Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

Yes, this is exactly right

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Why do meteors always land in craters?

I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless

has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Did a trash talking tree write this?

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*

Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.

Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents

Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.

Emotional Fruit:

The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You

My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams

Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”

Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time