Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?

Therapist accidentally sent me her cat

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac

Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

judge: are you the defendant?

me: haha yup, guilty as charged

my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*

me: um whats the policy on take backs here

And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.

Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example

Family Celebrity