Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.

Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??

Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.

11-year-old: I did.

Me: They’re still on the floor.

11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

what is cheese if not milk persevering

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist

Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.

My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.

banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!

those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

[Hair Salon]

Stylist: What would you like?

Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Son: What’s dehydrated milk?

Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.

Me: Moocaine

Wife: Why are you like this?

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.