[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You Might Also Like
The eta apple maps gives you when your driving somewhere is based on how long it would take to get there if the world had one car and it was all yours
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?