[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: I’m sick. Do we have any ginger ale?
Wife: No, just ginger beer.
Me: Does it work the same?
Wife: I don’t know.[9 Moscow Mules later]
Me [on front lawn, naked except for a cowboy hat]: IT WERKS BETTAH
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
This January has 47 Mondays
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*