[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Hitlers gonna hitl
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
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“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
How to wake up a Beagle