[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband: