[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
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I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?