Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who wore it better?

*grilled cheese

cheese: i want a lawyer

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese

me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese

Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”

Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.

Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I love how pulling weeds is super fun in May and by August it’s like, I bet a flamethrower would pay for itself in like two years.

Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef

ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*

an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube

Monday Lisa

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.

me: the most exercise I get is from sex

friend: but you’re so out of shape

Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?

Woke up with morning Yule Log

life is over at 7. no more endless playtime, no more baby food, forced to go to school, and you cant even throw tantrums anymore. at that point you should just give up

🥴

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.