Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: …

Me: …

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure

At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.

My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.

Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?

You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.

Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst

If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.

I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

This headline is a thing of beauty

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.

My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.

*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

When is it appropriate to double text someone?

I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.