Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.

Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”

[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

[Annual Review]

Boss: how do you think you performed this year?

Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.

Boss: you’re fired.

Me: This is such an accrual profession.

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

You’re not going to believe this, but yesterday I slipped on a banana peel, grabbed a vine to keep from falling, swung across some quicksand and landed by a delicious apple pie that had just been put on the windowsill to cool.

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.

Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did

2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un

1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations

Beards are a privilege, not a right

iPhone chargers should be called Apple juice. I’ll show myself out.

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

You had one job 🤦🏻‍♀️

People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.

I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.

My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.

A little too much information.

First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?

Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa

I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.