assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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The girl at the table next to me is having a salad. Not as a starter, but as a main course like some kind of rabbit.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.
Of course this is the year I bring my famous Romaine pie to my in-laws.
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
me: i’m sad
rich people: then remove yourself from your toxic environment. quit your job now and fly to milan. shop for a week straight and buy a yacht it helps me heal. build a house in the tropics and drink fresh fruit juice the power is yours don’t be lazy and complain
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
People who criticize the Bible should keep in mind it was My first novel.