Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
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I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)