Facebook account for sale, friends included.

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*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*


I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.


*wears a tuxedo tshirt to interview as a joke*

McDonald’s Manager: Oh wow, are you from corporate?


*Playing catch*
*dad throws ball over fence*
“I’ll get it son!”
*25 years later*
“Wow he must’ve thrown it far”


Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.


Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind


Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁