[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
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judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
what the
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
*seductively corrects your posture*