Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Hmm 🧐
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
This classic never gets old . . .
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
LA today:
