Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Give me Players for $500 Alex

“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”

What is checkmate?

“Wrong! What is your sex life”

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

Common sense: Walk away.

Me: No.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”

Coronavirus: LOL.

ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break

I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.

I just walked into the garage barefoot and my husband said “will you please go put on shoes? For heaven’s sake, you sleep in those feet!” And I’m so confused.

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

me: the best things in life are free!

lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

[at the gym]

Body builder: how much can you curl?

Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know

INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness

Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?

Me: Butternut Squash

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂

Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?

Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.

Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.