Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever

Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

*teacher sees students sharing a note*

Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud

Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…

Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”

Me: “It’s a secret.”

Job interviewer: “You got the job.”

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now

Fish must think we look so weird with both eyes on the front of our face.

🐴

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too

My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

[3 years from now]

I can’t believe it’s still 2020.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling