Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
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Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Brother?
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.