Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.

What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.

My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.

hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo

😸

The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.

Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…

peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?

peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.

peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?

peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha

peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.

Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.