Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
You Might Also Like
Bill is short for Billiam
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.