Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
love it when they get my name right
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
What did the 0 said to O?
Ohio!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
Ladies, have you gone shopping lately? Where are the other halves of the shirts and pyjamas?
They’re all made for Winnie the Pooh. Oh bother, my ab gets cold.