If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
“Your generation is having less kids” yeah we go to therapy to fix our relationships now
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
Planet of the Apps.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist