Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)