Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
DOOO EEEET
I think polyamory will become a common thing, but not because of a social movement or an influencer. Because of inflation.
A cute guy at work wants to take you to dinner? Fantastic, that saves me like a hundred bucks. Bring back leftovers!
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
today my coworker unknowingly told Zooey Deschanel that she “looks like Zooey Deschanel but older” ⚰️
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Spa day..😅
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
giddy up Office Depot
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals