Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
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Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Do we think Neil deGrasse Tyson is more upset about the idea of “Defying Gravity” or the concept of “Holding Space”?
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.