Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
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6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
just got my engagement photos
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.