Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
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ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house