Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.

repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.

Lmao the reply

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident

Me: say no more

[Later]

Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.

No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.

Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

prosecutor: why did you murder that man

me: i thought he was cake

prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?

me:

prosecutor:

me: i hoped he was cake