Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Leaving the Barbers like

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers

I forgot the word “retainer” and called my son’s mouthpiece “braces: part 2.”

°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.

It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*

Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

IT: I’m hanging up

Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy

IT: *dial tone*

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.

HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?

ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.