Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO

Me: “Wanna see something cool?”

*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini

Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day

whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooom!

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog

Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather

[Earlier]

Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers

My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane