Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.

[comedy club]

Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!

Other worms: *silence*

Early bird: *cracking up*

Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

waiter: what’ll it be?

me: I’ll have chameleon

waiter: that’s not on the menu

me: how can you be sure?

Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

I hunt* my own food.

*run down the street after the ice cream truck

The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.

Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.

“You drive, I’m tired.”

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

STORY TIME

my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.

one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked

“are you tan from the sun!?”

and i said

“no i’m nate from earth”

Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”

the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.