Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

[watching friend input his password on a website]

ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure

dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy

My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.

-my suicide note

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”

i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume

The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.

Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.

Newborn: *cries*

Me: *cries better*

Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?

Tequila, I’m looking at you.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.

Go to another app where everyone is happy and nice to each other? Gross, why?

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal

What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!

everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!

(my loneliness is paralyzing)

Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information

Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.

Him: Send me a shower pic

Me:

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.