Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hotdogs! hotdogs!” over and over again?

That’s me, looking for hotdogs.

I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.

Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?

Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!

Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!

Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!

birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.

Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.

Me: When can you operate?

*lighting a candle*

Doctor: When we find you a new liver.

You might just have to resign…

My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone

*wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”

power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention

8yo: What does Dad do for work?

Me: Why don’t you ask him?

8yo: He told me to ask you.

Me: Well played. Well. Played.

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.

Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?

Just grow your own

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.

Air conditioning – not a fan

The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…