Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle