Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?

ME: no

MT: i wasn’t asking

ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

Karen, will you marry me?

“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”

*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*

I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!

I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

[leaving parents’ house]

HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.

ME: Ya he also has another one.

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.

Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.

Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.

Oh boy, $150,000!

my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.

I’m having an out of money experience.

[creation of kangaroo]

God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack

Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*

God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha

Angel: again with this shit