Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.

Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.

also my go-to takeaway order

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.

The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise

I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.

There are two rules in life:

1. Never tell anyone everything.

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.

This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.

I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…

Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.

Well done the UK. Well done.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”