Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday