Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
