Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
