Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
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I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot