Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
