Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no![]()
You Might Also Like
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
![]()
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that![]()