Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
My friends can barely make rent, but everybody on home buying TV shows is like, “My husband is a professional thumb wrestler and I’m a rubber duck designer. Our budget is fourteen quadrillion dollars.”
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
SF is the wild wild west man
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately