Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
My account is fake I’m actually your probation officer.
This forever.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
At this point, egging someone’s house could be interpreted as a sign of affection.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.