@ArfMeasures

Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? ūüôā

Me: oh God no

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@ArelyCorral

If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough

@Sassafrantz

Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.

@anthonyjeselnik

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

@clichedout

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@krisv_723

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

@iresurfaced

I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.

@TheTweetOfGod

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.

@HavocMantis

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

@Smug_Lemur

Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”