Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know

Me: Oh yes! I do know them!

Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? ūüôā

Me: oh God no

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If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough


Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.


I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars


me: would not recommend


Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.


I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.


“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.


I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent


Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”