If Jose breaks up with me just know it’s because he’s had enough
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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Dear Diary, men think about sex every 7 seconds. I do that with pizza.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
me: would not recommend
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I dropped my phone when my friend accidently bumped my arm. It didn’t break but for a moment I saw her whole life flash in front of my eyes.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”