Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
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I never said I hated you.
I just said that if you fell overboard in shark-infested waters, I’d toss in my tampon.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Pregnant – Beyonce
Pregnant with twins – Beytwice
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
Me: what do you want with it?
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
elon musk having a love affair with space because he read hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy is like if i were a billionaire and decided to use all of my power and resources to create turtles who ate pizza & knew karate
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.