2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
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It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“What movie?” 🤔
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
WHY?!
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?