Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.

“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”

“Um, there’s no such thing.”

“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.

I need to update my racial profile.

white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha

welp

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT

if 5 random white ppl come up to me & tell me they are imagine dragons im gonna have no choice but to believe them

“Just circling back on this.”

“Take another lap.”

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.

If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.

Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?

Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.

Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.

Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.

Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”

MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:

Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.

We like the way Dwight thinks

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.

Me: *considering sleeping in*

My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.