Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
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wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable