Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questions

I’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

DOG 911: What’s ur emer-

DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER

DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?

DOG: NO

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

[self checkout]

daaaaang i look good

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

Good news: It works the other way around.

I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.

Phew.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board…

ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”