Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM

Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM

There is no winning 🙄

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.

purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again

*in bed*

me: finally sweet sweet sleep

brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese

2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.

2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.

“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”

-Trees

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.

You wish you had this many chins.

“The Perfect Relationship”

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week

[first day on SWAT team]

SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”

<door flies open>

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.

I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.

The floor after my kids eat one granola bar