Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

starbuck cashier: can i get a name

guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben

me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit

Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%

Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.

Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’

My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?

Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.

Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.

Then I remembered pineapple .

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO