Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.

Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.

The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again

Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.

*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen

*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot

*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!

me: haha yep ti–

boss: tacos!

me: tacos!

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.

-tweet sent from stall #3

phew

Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.

{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU

Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming