Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
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lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
S M O L
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?