Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
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Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
is it earth
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Writing fake murder confessions and sticking them in old pickle jars in the wall during this house remodel.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”
AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.