facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Jokes on them. I took 10.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
