facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.
They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.
Well played Canada, well played.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
Me: Honey, doctors say you should stand up and walk around every 30 minutes.
Husband: *stands up*
Me: Could you grab me a water while you’re up?
