facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
