Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Yes.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

Seems a bit forward

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

still the best tweet of the year by far

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.

Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.

Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.

Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.

Happy Friday

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?

HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven

HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?

HER: pizza rolls

HIM: What about—

HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

[flash mob in front of me & my girl]
[I join in then kneel down gasping]
“Will you..”
“YES!… YE..”
“grab me a smoothie from Jamba Juice?”

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.

Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!

Twitter: nope

I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.