Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.