Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
How many times does one have to open the fridge door before cake appears inside?
why I oughta
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy