Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*