facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Succinctly put.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Life with a cat in one tweet
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins