facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Teach your children to beatbox
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports