facebook is down so i am having to improvise
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“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.