Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed

Me: by Spider-Man?

Wife: his head just spun around

Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man

I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.

I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence

Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

take me down to the opposite city where the girls are green and the grass is pretty

“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:

1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.

I know this now.

I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.

Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

Math teacher; suppose you have five friends

Me:

I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction

I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register

We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.

Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch

– when did competitive farting become a thing

– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds

– bean-free chili recipes

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people