facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
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ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?