Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
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[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.