Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.

“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”

*hangs up*

Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.

*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost

[He gets lost]

*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.

Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.

Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

[Courtroom]

Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!

Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]

Try and stop me.

They say college doesn’t prepare you for real life but it taught me how to get vomit out of practically anything and as a parent that’s literally my most valuable skill

My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.

I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.

best review i’ve ever seen

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk