Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

Every BBC series about the universe.

I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.

Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”

my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*

Meme: I have a boyfriend.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

For real 🤣

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around

washing hands before coronavirus:

– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off water

washing hands after coronavirus:

– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one

‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid

We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.