Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.

Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating

My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?

I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?

Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.

Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

Therapist: what’s upsetting you?

Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly

Me: cry me a table, Linda

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Sister: You need more friends

Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me

Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven

Me: Haha that is classic Carol

Inside you there are two wolves

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

What even happened today?

DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley