Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?

Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last

God making man in his image was the original selfie

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.

I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

A dog needs to be the next president.

“A dog can’t-”

When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?

“I’ll start the paperwork.”

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.

Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.

Stop it! 😂

Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.

I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”

horse: these pants fit me perfectly

sales clerk: very good sir

horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs

sales clerk: *discretely* of course

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism