Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
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i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
not seeing the problem
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.
found this cool rock hiking today
