Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
How dude HOW?!
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity