Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom