Facebook is so funny. It’s a group called Black Jeep owners and a white man posted him and his black jeep and said “totally misunderstood the group name but I’m rolling w it. I love it here.” 💀💀
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sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
New mindset, who dis?
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.