Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Dracula bites a pig]

Me: 😮 hampire

My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”

[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*

HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*

ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]

for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.

doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??

Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?

Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.

I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.

A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.

can’t talk my ride’s here

I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.

If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD