Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Who will replace Daniel Craig as James Bond
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.