Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
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Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.