Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.

getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

aura

Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future

ME: Really? Who wins the election?

TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace

ME: You need to be more specific

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Me: release the kraken!

Friend: what’s a kraken?

Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie

This is my pinned tweet

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.

me: omg you’re dying

my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room

me: [crying] I wish I could help

Getting left on read really gives me perspective on what Nigerian princes go through

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: That’s crazy

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.

I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end