Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I have taken up painting
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
