Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
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Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Bond. Trauma bond.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
he chose this
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.