Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found

Me: I love you..Marry Me!

Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.

CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird

Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.

Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

Thank heavens for community notes

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.

I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.